meladoodle: *writes nothing but ‘lol’ in grandma’s 69th birthday card*
tardisity: The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realist shit ever then you can get right on outta town.
ghosthug: swaggie: je swag, tu swags, il/elle/on swag, nous swagons, vous swagez, ils/elles swagent
scribblescourge: My mother just came with the groceries and I opened the door and without thinking asked “swiggity swag what’s in the bag” and she replied “bip boop bop bread and flip-flops
goddammitfenton: if you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember this one time in my english class, we were writing horror stories and one of the girls wrote “it was friday the 13th, the night before halloween” for her opening sentence
ladymalchav: nissanissas: when you buy a bunch of individually wrapped things that are meant to be eaten at a steady pace and then you eat all of them and are surrounded by candy wrappers and the remnants of your dignity
psychoticmist: if you ever feel bad about yourself remember that george bush was once informed that 4 brazilian people were killed in iraq and he responded ‘how many is a brazilian’
I’m so insecure like I could be married to my husband of 40 years and I would still wonder if he likes me or not
10000bc: since abercrombie an fitch destroys its unsold clothes and wont donate bc poor people wearing their clothes gives them a bad image i say everyone should donate as much abercrombie and fitch brand clothing that you have to homeless shelters so you can simultaneously piss off a shitty company and help those in need
troyyy: Whenever it rains, if you listen real closely, you can hear come clean by hillary duff faintly playing
Me during the day: I'm so fucking tired oh my God I can't wait to go to bed tonight
Me during the night: Let's download the top 100 songs from the 90s and listen to them all while writing a novel and watching an entire season of Supernatural and maybe rearrange my room
calmtempest: pandyssian: OH MY GOD APPARENTLY TAKING AN ARROW TO THE KNEE WAS AN OLD NORDIC SLANG FOR GETTING MARRIED I THOUGHT THAT ALL THOSE GUYS IN SKYRIM HAD LITERALLY BEEN SHOT IN THEIR KNEES WITH ARROWS BUT I GUESS NOT So I told a couple of my guy friends who play skyrim. They looked like they had achieved enlightenment. It seems this knowledge means a lot
shiphassailed: when your internet isnt really working well and your whole dash is just blank squares and you still scroll through it attentively
australiansanta: to be australian all you gotta do is add a ‘u’ to every word. for example: colour, flavour, favourite, mum, briucks, laump, cloucks, elvius, justiun bieuber, beeur, streetliught… and the list goes on. every single word. now ur australian congratulatiouiuns
Sext: I kiss you deeply as I lay you back gently on the bed, my hands roaming up your thighs, palms are sweaty, knees weak arms spaghetti
bon-bon: The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing.
animeasuka: partybarackisinthehousetonight: children wake up early because they still get excited about life this is the saddest thing I’ve seen on here
amporidan: baconsteak: sarkyfancypants: DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE CALLING YOU BUT THERE’S NO ONE REALLY CALLING YOU AND THEN YOU SIT THERE CONFUSED BECAUSE YOU SWORE YOU COULD HEAR SOMEONE CALLING YOU Wait, maybe it’s our loved ones trying to wake us from the coma. They just can’t scream loud enough wow why the fuck would you say that
fartgallery: if this picture of me gets 14 million notes ill do a thing WHAT’S HE GONNA DO???
paulyoptosaurus: msjewbooty: paulyoptosaurus: petition to remove the ‘d’ from wednesday wednesay not what i had in mind but im flexible Nooo because wenesday is like wen es day? Like when is the day? Today? And everyone will forget the day and so the d is important… Shit I just said the d is important. What id life?
meladoodle: try to close someone’s eyes like a corpse when you’re bored of talking to them
atleastimnotbrentspiner: “we’ll take the lot!” wow harry maybe some of the other kids on the train wanted some candy but nope i guess the boy who lived is entitled to the entire fucking trolley Literally thought the same thing
graystripe: graystripe: my brother just tried to twerk but he farted by accident and now hes crying he said hes “disgraced the whole family”